


When Most I Wink

by seepingout



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: F/F, Light Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-05
Updated: 2020-07-05
Packaged: 2021-03-05 06:34:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,125
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25079968
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/seepingout/pseuds/seepingout
Summary: During the DEO mind-wipe of Supergirl's secret identity.
Relationships: Alex Danvers/Kara Danvers
Comments: 3
Kudos: 72





	When Most I Wink

She tries not to make eye contact with Supergirl but she can't help herself. Like the last time, like she expected, there's a burning in her lungs. Seeing Supergirl is always accompanied by this indescribable, unbearable need. Something she can't attribute to their three years of working together, the loss of the friendship she thinks they formed while working together. (Are they, were they friends? There were moments, piling high, where they were more than asset and handler. Joking about shows and news and eating together in her lab, special food deliveries just for her from the girl of steel. But she didn't know Supergirl's name and it wasn't like they'd hung out away from the DEO.) The sight of the Kryptonian freezes her in place and she doesn't know why. Watching her fly away cuts deeper than when she cancelled her engagement to Maggie.

She tells herself that it's just her but it's harder, every time, to deny that when Supergirl looks at her there's a sadness in her eyes. She knows something is wrong, deeper than the lack of working relationship. She knows something is wrong with herself even though J'onn says otherwise. She trusts him, completely, but she wonders if he missed something.

She doesn't know how Supergirl knows where she lives. She doesn't recall sharing that information and there's no way the DEO would have given it out, even before the President forced Supergirl out over his bruised ego. But looking over and seeing an unmistakeable outline cast against her curtains causes something in her to loosen. Like this is familiar. It isn't, this has never happened before, but it's the most right she's felt around Supergirl in a while and she's not sure why. Not sure she wants to examine it too closely because that would just highlight how off kilter she's been. 

Supergirl is there to share information, a nod perhaps to their shared history. It feels wrong. She wants to offer the other woman a drink, invite her to sit on the couch, watch TV, and talk about nothing. She doesn't, she sprains her tongue on all the things she doesn't say. And then Supergirl flies away, but she'd waited a moment, let it stretch as if she was waiting for the invite, waiting for something from Alex that she doesn't know how to offer because it's nothing she should offer, nothing she has ever offered. Why did the urge feel so much more familiar, more right, than anything else has for weeks? 

She can't talk to anyone about this. Who would she talk to? Most of her friends are her sister's friends, and though she'd bonded with Winn he is centuries in the future. She can't talk to Kara, doesn't know how to explain how Supergirl makes her feel, worries that Kara might see it as something different. She loves her sister but knows Kara will think it a simple crush and it's not. It isn't. That would actually be easier. Supergirl is very easy on the eyes and she is still very gay. But she is also professional and practical and she's not interested in taking any more Supergirl related damage, no matter how enjoyable it would be (she breaks her arm again she'll be medically banned from the field). Although, even she isn't immune to the allure of being the one to make Supergirl lose control. But the newly healed burn on her hand is a very good reminder of the danger that could pose. And that, all other things being equal, she's not exactly in the condition to try. It's not just her gun hand it's her writing hand and she is Director and she has so much paperwork (and a shattered jaw isn't really any better an option and oh, God, she couldn't be thinking like this). Although the aneurysm Haley would have if it happened and she had to explain how she'd gotten injured would almost be worth everything else. Almost. A very, very, far too close for her to examine too deeply almost.

And really, she is way too gay to go down this mental path. Here there be dragons and long nights with a bottle and a vibrator and she did that in college and it led to DUIs and one night stands and she was very lucky she didn't emerge from the other side of her self-destruction with an STI. And she really doesn't want to go down that particular memory lane either because she's better about what drove her there but she's never managed to make it go away and she'd rather die than let that anywhere near the light of day.

She needs a distraction. And to punch something. And she does have an invitation to something that would work quite nicely. She just needs to keep her exposure to Supergirl to a minimum. Shouldn't be too hard on a marine corps base.

\---

Going to the base had been a good idea and, as it turned out, very necessary. And an utterly, utterly terrible one. Because now she's back home, in her empty apartment at something near 2AM, staring at a bottle of whiskey and trying desperately not to think about what's in her bedside stand.

Because that line can't be uncrossed. And she'd already crossed a line she could never come back from once before. And as much as she thought she'd buried that and moved on whatever is going on that has her so unbalanced around Supergirl seems dead set on dredging that up from the darkest recesses of her mind. She can't afford that. Or this, this adrenaline fueled hormonal rush she's feeling right now that's more understandable than the unidentifiable need but no less unacceptable.

She forces herself to stand up. Forces herself to put the bottle away. She has to be up in four hours, ready to carry out her duties and to confront Haley about the satellite.

She crawls into bed and tries to empty her mind because she doesn't have the time or energy for any of this. She closes her eyes but that leaves her alone with her thoughts, with the bone deep knowledge that something is off, is wrong. She is wrong and she doesn't know why. Doesn't know what happened weeks ago and why. And she tries to ignore it, needs to sleep, can't sleep with this filling her mind.

Two sets of blue eyes and blond hair swirl in her mind's eye and she doesn't know whose arm she imagines wrapping around her as she drifts off. Doesn't know whose lips she imagines pressing against the back of her neck because it doesn't matter. Either is wrong, so very, very wrong. Either feels like coming home.


End file.
